Use Your Voice, Not Your Muscle

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” ~ Mohandas Gandhi

ghandi

by Pete Ferguson

A few weeks ago I answered Chery’s question about how to resolve conflict at work without being a jerk. She confided in me recently that she still hasn’t taken the “jerk” at her office on, but that she enjoyed the post. I’m also surprised at how often the post is still being read and searched on Google.

It got me thinking that I haven’t written about my #1 pet peeve in the Security Industry. This is likely going to stir a large pot of controversy and that is fine, so I’ll just take it head on.

Why do people always think that to be good at security you need to have a background in the military, policy, FBI, Secret Service, etc?

Physical strength can never permanently withstand the impact of spiritual force. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Let’s break this down. If you are working with the Secret Service, you have an entire battalion of support for everything you do. You have a decree from Congress that there is no challenge you cannot super-cede if the Nation is at risk. If you need a car towed, pick up the phone and it is done. You need someone menacing to disappear for a few hours. Done.

In the military, break a rule and you will be doing push ups, running laps, cleaning toilets, or spending time locked down.

So my continual question that has yet to be answered is: “How does that kind of experience push you to the front of the pack in the security industry where your budget will be nill and you’ll have a small group of people making just over minimum wage to support you when it comes retirement time and you look at a security job?”

In over 15 years of doing this job, my ability to communicate, budget, and network have always come in handy. I’ve never needed to kick anyone’s butt. Never. I’ve never once needed to handcuff, shoot, or compel someone into submission.

As has been pointed out to me by a coworker, the old adage in police work is “ask, tell, make.”

In the Corporate Security world the matra is “ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask a different way, ask, ask, ask … get creative and find a workaround.”

That’s my point. Resolving a conflict with force only allows one side a very short victory. You write a check you can’t cash. Without the ability to “make” – you can’t get someone to do what you need them to do the next time. And in corporate life, there are just soo many “next times.”

And in the corporate world I’ve just hardly ever seen a scenario where “make” was an option that HR, Legal, and others were comfortable with. Maybe I’ve been at too relaxed of a company (which is great and I’ll happily stay here).

Screen Shot 2013-03-28 at 7.14.35 AMAs a child I was terrible at physical fighting outside of the home. I remember really bugging a kid named Shane – I forget his last name at the moment – in 5th grade. He called me out and we decided on a time and place we were going to fight (boys were allowed to do that back in the day …). After many years of boxing with my brother and zero experience in wrestling, I made a fatal error. Shane asked what kind of fight we were going to have and I decided that wrestling sounded like a good plan.

Shane beat the snot out of me that warm Spring day. I remember laying on my back looking up at a beautiful blue sky while getting a bloody nose and hit repeatedly.

My brand new jacket was completely muddy and grass stained when we were all done. I lied and told my mom we’d been playing flag football that turned into a tackle game. The grass stains never quite came out of the jacket, a subtle reminder that in this life I wasn’t going to win much with muscle so I’d better learn to communicate out of controversy. And so that has been my quest.

There was something about my ears sticking out (and more likely my attitude) that drew every bully in Utah, Texas, and then in New Jersey to immediately find me and want to clean my clock. The lesson Shane taught me that day took a long time to turn into action, but has served me well.

If we get into a situation where I win and you lose, I have lost. Because next time you have an opportunity to settle score, you are likely going to take it and I’ll be humiliated and caught off guard. But if I can work with you and we both agree a course of action is in both our best interests, the next time we interact, you may want to pay it forward and we’ll both win with very little effort on your or my part.

And that is why brains over brawn really does work – or at least has worked – for me.

 

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Joy is Not the Absence of Conflict

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ~ Jack Handey

by Pete Ferguson

Okay, so maybe the opening quote isn’t quite related to the article, but it is really funny – and for a morning that is 5 degrees above zero on a day I chose to wear shorts to the gym, funny is good.

Over the weekend, my wife and I heard a discourse with the quote “Joy is not the absence of conflict.” We know the couple who delivered the message well, and they are two of the happier people I know. I also know that they have dealt with a great amount of conflict.

Two people who have developed joyful characters will navigate through problems and be sustained by a daily sense of joy. ~ Valerie Layton

Along the lines of yesterday’s blog on the “7th rep,” it is true that for muscular gain, maturity, and mental and spiritual growth, the lessons usually come after the trail.

When a budding Monarch butterfly first emerges from its cocoon, it is not in its majestic form. Its body is swollen and its wings appear too small to fly. Through a slow and methodically flapping of its wings, blood is forced from the body into the wings and they begin to enlarge as the body shrinks.

Our friend suggested the following three things to overcome adversity and find the joy in life’s challenges:

  1. Rejoice – Whether large or small, celebrations allow us to focus on the positive and give ourselves credit for overcoming struggles.
  2. Be honest. Allow emotions out of the dark recesses of your mind. Understand things as they really are – don’t make assumptions, but take time to work through your own emotions and understand where others are coming from.
  3. Be thankful. Grapple with problems with confidence, knowing that you will make it through the storm and focus on the blessing you have received already.

I’d add to the list: Don’t make assumptions. Even if your assumption is right, it does you little good and if you are wrong, it makes you look foolish. I’ve wasted a lot of time on assumptions, so I speak as an authoritative figure on this topic.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~ Malachy McCourt

I’m grateful for the conflicts I have in my life – but I’m not usually grateful for them during the storm. I’m working on this, because a life without challenges is a bit pointless, really. Leaning into the pain allows for more control, less resentment, and a quicker recovery.

What challenges are you grateful for today? Are you in the depths of the storm, or are you able to look back and find the lessons learned?

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