“A person’s worst enemy can’t wish on him what he can think up himself.” ~ A Yiddish Proverb
“When I first heard about self-sabotage, I was too proud to think that any such destructive behavior could be associated with myself. I felt sorry that people suffered from this but hardly related to it. Then I got older and started to see the insane patterns of self-sabotage in my own behavior.
Yikes! What a rude (and embarrassing!) wake-up call!
Self-sabotage gives you permission to act as a victim, but you forget that you are also the villain and therefore in charge of the sabotage, and as such, you can stop these patterns.” ~ Farnoosh Brock
Author and success coach Dan Miller first introduced the term “Divine Discontent” to me. You likely have been at a point in life – or may be currently at that point – where you know somewhere deep inside that you are not spending a significant amount of time each day on what really matters.
For me, this gnawing low-level anxiety has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past, because the sub conscious always wins – eventually – and usually in the form of self-sabbotage. Just before reaching success, the sub conscious lashes out, reminds you that you “can’t” and as a result, you make a small mistake which releases an avalanche of pent up anger and pain and you act out in ways which are not characteristic of who you are.
When we begin to sabotage ourselves, we have mixed neuro-associations. That is, the same outcome will have both pain and pleasure associated with it. For example, some individuals have been in painful intimate relationships. They desire to have intimacy, love and connection, and so they begin to move towards the relationship. However, at some point, they start to pull back because of the pain of the past and the fear of rejection in this new relationship. ~ Deb Bauer
This self-doubt is what limits our ability to succeed. Society is good at finding a scape goat – Obama, the Republican Party, Congress, public schools, the DMV, taxes, the economy – because the reality that we are responsible for our successes and failures can be too painful to fess up to.
The government can’t help. People complain all the time that government isn’t doing enough.
Your town, neighborhood, church, volunteer association or family can be a support, but in the end they can’t own your problem and you are never going to be happy with someone else’s solution for you.
You are the solution. You are the only solution. Others can be a catalyst to help get the process moving, but if you never own the problem, you will never own the solution.
This week will mark the third year since my father-in-law died at a very early age. He did not go out on a good note. He was depressed, had been through dozens of jobs, and he was over 350 lbs. He had finally landed the best-paying gig of his life – permanent mental and physical disability. Every time life started to go well, he hunkered down, waiting for failure. And it always came, and he embraced it, allowing it to reduce him to rubble.
I am very critical of him because in him I saw my own fears acted out to their conclusion. But I can’t judge, because I will never fully understand the triggers he endured. His parents divorced at an early age, there was abuse by a neighbor. To him, his problems were always prevalent, and always someone else’s fault.
He received a myriad of handouts, but they didn’t help and were never enough. The tragedy to me is that he never mortally realized – or at least never came to full realization which resulted in action – that he was the cause of his pain, and that he also could have provided all the answers he needed to be successful in this life.
In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. ~ Albert Camus
The greatest gift I can give myself – and you – this holiday season is the gift of hope. You and I can be successful. The answers are all around us. We just don’t see them.
When I start each morning by asking to see the answers around me, I’m always amazed at how blind I have been. When I take time to write in my journal and contemplate at how I’ve experienced that day the hand of God in my life, I am amazed again.
If you are stuck in a rut, today is the day to pull yourself out.
Help is not on its way.
It’s already arrived and all you have to do is to accept it. You have everything within you to dig out. You may need a good coach, friend, or counselor to help you identify the tools, but until you accept that you are your answer, life will continue to serve up failure while you think everyone else is getting a double serving of success.
Make today a great day!
P. S. I have found many different coaches to help overcome self-doubt in physical fitness, business, spiritual and mental health. Some of these coaches I’ve never met – only read. Others I’ve met once or twice, and then some I meet with regularly. Today I have quoted Farnoosh Brock several times and I highly recommend her 21-Step Self-Confidence course. It is completely free, well-paced over many weeks, and Farnoosh is a delight to read, listen, and work with. Check it out: